How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*