Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Current mood: Potato
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind