@omgthatspunny

How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!

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@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@genehunter1

My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist

@TheSweetestD_

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

@Rollmaninoz

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

@FredTaming

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

@whostrevors

A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁

@thenatewolf

Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully

10,000 Year Old Tree: k

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda