I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram!
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My Christian friend asked 4 proof there is no God.nnI pointed out Adam Sandler is a multimillionaire movie starnnNow my friend’s an atheist
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully
10,000 Year Old Tree: k
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda