how much does a mortician urn in a year
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
all that yoga finally paid off
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal