How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Put this video in the Louvre
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will