How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing