How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Eating for two.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.