Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i could never be president. im overqualified.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!