How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
#MeanwhileInCanada
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg