how much for the angry fruit?
You Might Also Like
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
my first day as a raccoon
