how much for the angry fruit?
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Yes, but it was never about money
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God