Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

😭😭

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.