How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals