How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor