How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

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[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]



Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave


[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”


Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.


THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say


I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.


When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep


My husband accused me of only listening to reply instead of listening to understand and tbh I have no idea what he’s talking about but I had the best comeback ever to shut him up


*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising


My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!