This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
*At the pearly gates*
St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I’ll show you around.
Me: Sooo many oysters must’ve died to make this gate.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“What if a dumpster could yell at you” – the thought that led to this website probably. Goodnight
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.