How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Lmao
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners