Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.