Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Never mess with a drunken pig.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.