How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here