How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
How your email finds me
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man