How much for the goth pool noodles?
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ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Very good news from my accountant
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line