How much for the goth pool noodles?
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up