Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

I think I’m gonna be sick

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?