How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I think about this a lot
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.