How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
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coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.