Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.