How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
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I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]