Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

the three branches of government

My ideal weight is five million dollars

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

that de-escalated quickly

Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what