-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
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Bro what is this
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Imma just leave this here…………
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
very niche meme I made
car not found
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.