“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
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I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Life is a suicide mission.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Van Gone
Not all heroes wear capes.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones