How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)