How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
This one’s “Alex”.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A leaf blower, but for people.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill