How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife