– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.


Me: My head is killing me

My brain: You’ve had zero water today, destroyed your liver last night, haven’t eaten much real food, and have finished almost an entire pot of coffee

Me: I think I’ll make more coffee. Then maybe a beer.


The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.


Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”


To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?


Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie


quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well


“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.


“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale