@werehedgehog

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

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@10InchesPlus

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

@FunkyFresh_79

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@hotsoccerchic69

my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer