– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
cause of death:
autopsy.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.