I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
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Me: My head is killing me
My brain: You’ve had zero water today, destroyed your liver last night, haven’t eaten much real food, and have finished almost an entire pot of coffee
Me: I think I’ll make more coffee. Then maybe a beer.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
quarantine day 8: i don’t think my pet fish is doing too well
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale