How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)