How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*