How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
🦝🔥🦝🔥
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Thank you 🥹
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess