How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
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[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*sewing*
A thread
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?