How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Important
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.