How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
there’s music for literally every activity
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil