How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.