How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Left at a local drug store…
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody