How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.