Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Today’s tshirt

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

All set.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent