Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory