Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

I’m about to risk it all

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.