“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.