“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house