Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

is he marrying that labradoodle

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world