Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

[shakes fist at other fist]

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

R.I.P.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms

Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

Do not levitate over flowers

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.