Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?