“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Its true…
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
