“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit