Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

You sure about that?

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.