How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
shut up and take my money
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead