How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Icarus loved hot wings.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.