“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
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Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
We all have our pet causes.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Pizza is an emotion right?
Stop sending me this shit.
That 👊
Great acting.. 😂
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?