Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication