Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

me: *drops banger tweet

them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers

me: *drops another tweet

them: oh, I see

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.