“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
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person I’ve never interacted with who has no tweets and a pfp that’s not human: follow me back please!
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
What’s a Messi?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game