Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

What

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s