how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
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it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!