How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
You Might Also Like
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A new level of troll.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
This is why I hate group projects
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds