How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*