How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’