Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten