How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan