Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

I thought this was funny lol

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital