I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Baller is short for ballerina
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG